Driving in Circles
This last year has been a time of wild growth for me as I was moved into the executive director position of a national nonprofit after just 4 years of working in the nonprofit arena. I was a school teacher for almost 25 years, so when I got into my second career, I was happy with my role and portion as chief learning officer. When our founder retired and the current executive director left, I was shocked that the board asked me to step up. Perhaps I was the last person standing or perhaps I’ve been training for this position my whole life…growing into the full expanse of my expression and power.
Like many women my age, however, I received the training contradictory to the messaging. It was the early 70’s, so women were “liberated” but not too liberated. I was told by my father, my parish priest, my school teachers, and even Wonder Woman, that I could be anything I wanted to be. I was a powerful female. And then I was trained to take my position in the back seat. If I wanted to get where I wanted to go, I had to learn the art of being a back-seat driver, aka passive aggressive subterfuge, diluting the power of my word under soothing camouflage of gentility and apology. I could influence the direction of the car, but I wasn’t driving it. If I had power, I had to fit my power in a tiny corner and not disturb anyone else as I wielded my allotted portion.
So I became a school teacher by age 21 and had the basic autonomy to lead in my arena, which was my classroom. That was my vehicle to create, contribute, and express. As I grew more experienced, I became a leader in my school as department chair and then my district as a teacher mentor and trainer. My role expanded naturally, but I was still well contained as a harried and beleaguered teacher/mentor/mother/wife.
Shifting into the nonprofit arena began my journey of healing and rediscovery after two decades of grinding myself to ash in the name of a noble cause, as all women are programmed to do (and men who serve in giving professions as well). While teaching is definitely my calling while I’m here on this planet, the way that society asks us to do it and then drugs us with praise and martyrdom is a slow and insidious de-evolution of power and self from which many do not recover. My heart is filled with gratitude that I got out, had the space to release destructive patterns and expectations, and to recalibrate to the sane and humane. This new position allowed me to take my life back and then come back home to myself.
Even with this internal reorganization and my perspective expanding, I didn’t realize until 9 months in how contained I still was, now within the confines of what a nonprofit leader does, especially a female leader. I went right back to grinding myself to ash for a noble cause, only this time with a little better work-life balance in place. I was getting wound tighter and tighter as each month bled into the next, just driving in circles with the parking brake on.
A year into this position, I finally took off for a two week trip with my husband, almost entirely off the grid, out of pocket. I unplugged at a profound level. People were always telling me how important it is to take breaks, take off at least once a quarter, take care of yourself to keep your balance, so I did take little trips and did lots of fun things after work hours to decompress from a high bandwidth job, but I never really tapped out entirely, or for long enough, to have a true break.
When I returned after this two-week break, which felt so incredibly extravagant, I finally saw it. Perspective. There it was. Surprise! I was so knee-deep, mile-wide, that it took me two weeks off to be able to look back at anything with clarity. And, what did I see looking back at me?
I was putting myself in the back seat in almost every meeting, partnership, and engagement, playing the game as females are trained to do to get what they want, which meant I was giving my power away. If I’m not at the wheel, then who is driving the car? The power that had been entrusted to me as head curator of this beautiful nonprofit that impacts so many families across the nation…I didn’t own it. I let everyone else drive the car, pick the route, and even play their music in my own car.
It was incredibly frustrating, even infuriating, feeling so helpless and dismissed, but who listens to a backseat driver? all the while, I was being taken away from my desired destination and myself. As I engaged with the drama I was fueling, I also was taking things very personally, giving away my energy, my bandwidth, and my heart…until I had that break and could see, really see what I was doing and where I was headed.
I not only saw it, I felt it. The spell was broken. You have no power over me. I am my own master. I have my own vision, I know my mind clearly, and I know what aligns with my heart-values and what doesn’t. No is just as important as yes; in fact, sometimes it’s more important in the long run. I have the keys to my car. I take my route on my itinerary. I drive my life, my roles, my job, my contributions, my collaborations, my values.
Now I recognize my power. I am in the driver’s seat. I’m not out to run you over, but you may not drive my car. This is the next level of owning my power and wielding it with grace and discernment, without apology or subterfuge, just out in the open. As I practice expressing my power, I am learning to trust myself, map out the route, speak my word, and drive directly. No more containers, contradictions, or circles.
I know that I am aligned with the Divine that is the Presence and Power within. This is my natural state of being, who I’m called to be, which does no harm, requires no apology, and needs no game playing to work. It just is. I am. You are. This is the ultimate freedom and peace of mind we each desire.
I encourage everyone who has the privilege of being able to take a break…to take a real break. Gain some perspective. Get far enough out to be able to see the patterns, your power patterns. Are you driving in circles you can’t even see? Consider for yourself:
Where are you giving your power away?
What might be taking it away?
What replenishes your power?
When are you resonating with your inherent power? Feeling it, rocking it, doing what you’re meant to do?
Can you transfer that kind of power into every arena of your life until you are no longer grinding yourself to ash but rather humming like a superconductor of Divine Emanation, as you and I are created to be?
Your whole life has led to this moment, as you grow into the full expanse of your expression and power. Take a break and power up. You are in the driver’s seat now, the open road ahead.